50 Things to Say to Piss Off a Cop

1) When you get pulled over, say "I promise, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol."
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) Touch him.
5) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
6) Refer to him by his first name.
7) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
8) When he says no, cry.
9) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
10) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
11) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
12) When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."
13) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
14) After you sign the ticket and give it to him say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
15) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, say "Sorry, I just ate the last one."
16) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
17) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
18) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
19) Chew on the pen, nervously.
20) Clean your ear with the pen.
21) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
22) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say "I thought the name sounded familiar..."
23) Act like you are handicapped.
24) When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
25) Or mumble to yourself.
26) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
27) When he comes to the car, say "I have a badge just like yours!"
28) Ask if he watches Cops.
29) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
30) Giggle if he did.
31) Talk to your hand.
32) When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot" and grin.
33) If he asks to inspect your car, say "There's no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it."
34) Try to sell him your car.
35) Ask if you can buy his car.
36) If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
37) Play with the siren.
38) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
39) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
40) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
41) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
42) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
43) Turn your head and whistle.
44) When he pulls out his night stick, say "What you gonna do with that?"
45) If you are female, say "I don't do that on the first date."
46) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
47) Ask if you can see his gun.
48) When he says you aren't allowed, say "I just wanted to see if mine was bigger."
49) Tell him you like men in uniform.
50) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a halloween party.

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A bit of cop humor...

GOOD: Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.