Miscellaneous Jokes

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colours - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Three engineers are riding in a car -- an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. The car suddenly stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, his lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the defense lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

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A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer. The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana." The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer. The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana." The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs." The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."

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A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up aconversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

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A woman decided to send her clothing out to a laundry service. When it came back, her panties were still stained. The next week, she enclosed a note to the laundry owner: "Use more soap on panties."

But when the laundry came back, her panties were still stained. So again, she enclosed a note to the laundry owner: "Use more soap on panties."

This went on for several weeks. Every week the woman sent the same note to the laundry. Finally, the laundry owner responded: "Use more paper on ass."

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(this one is dedicated to my dear NYC friend, Faisal)

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over: the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere, all the time laughing. Then he just sits there, laughing and laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the chief, "Don't you know that you are about to die?"

The New Yorker laughs and says, "So much for your canoe, ya jerk!"