Miscellaneous Jokes

Two little old ladies were out driving in a very large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

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A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."

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There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad!"

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This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a little blowjob... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was written "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady answered, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Americans too!"

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one! Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. WOW, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh, yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."