Quotes of the Wise

(some, if not all of these quotes are accredited to the great philosopher P.R. Hayes)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never mistake an apology for an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like The Force; it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I'm going to blame you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up. You aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.